I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
