Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
