dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
