There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
