Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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