I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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