I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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