Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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