I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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