Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
