I smell stomach acid.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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