Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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