i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
