so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
