That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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