i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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