i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
