good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
