Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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