Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
