YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
