Too much gin, very little bucket
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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