why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
