I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
