its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
