You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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