I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
