People with herpes should wear stickers.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
