the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
