my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
