Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
