I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
