i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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