My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
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I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
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"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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