On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
