This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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