I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
