omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
