I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
