3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
