Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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