Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
