I swear god or herbie drove my car home
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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