Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
