I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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