he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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