I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
There was a lot of him and a little penis
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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