If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
