I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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