I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
