EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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