Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
