Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
