where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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